Beginning Again

I live with Bi-Polar and severe anxiety. I am a mother. I am morbidly obese. I am in a committed relationship. I am a homemaker. I am poor. Today, I nearly took my life… again.
I stopped short of an attempt. My momentum was stopped suddenly when my shaking hands ended up dulling my knife instead of sharpening it. I stood there for a moment, frustrated with the knife and with my shaking hands before the shock of what I had almost done set in.
These last couple of years have been very difficult. I haven’t slept through a night in over two years. Even when I didn’t have a child waking me, I didn’t sleep soundly. Our home has been in a state of flux. My partner, who we will call DaddyBee, has struggled with severe depression to the point of functioning only to make it to work. My child, who we will call BusyBee, is the light of my world but can be incredibly challenging as well.
I want to continue my life with Daddy Bee and Busy Bee, really I do, but some days the stress of the circumstances I face seem insurmountable. Part of this is because I gave up control of the things I can change about my circumstances. I let myself feel helpless. Feeling helpless, I relied on others to take care of the things that are mandatory for my stability and health. It may not be news to you, and it shouldn’t have been to me, but other people do not always understand how serious our needs are. Sometimes, even when they do realize, they lack the ability or desire to follow through and support your needs. Relying on others to do for you often leads to a spiral of feeling trapped and helpless.
Today I am putting a full stop on my spiral. I am going to get better. I will have to sacrifice. My family will have to sacrifice for a while, too, but I will still be here with them when it is over.
I’m making a choice, right now. I will have to keep making that choice every day, every moment. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will make one small change at a time, just one step at a time. I will change my life.

“Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly.” -Francis Bacon

Today I begin to alter my existence by design.


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