a baby or not… loss

It’s been to long since I posted. Life swept me up in a storm of activity, family and general chaos. There were two birthdays, two brothers, an anniversary, a mother, a nephew and two nieces to fill my every moment. There was also a baby on the way, one that we will never meet.

The day before my birthday DaddyBee and I went out for dinner together, just the two of us. I’d been suspecting that I could be in the early part of a pregnancy. After dinner we took a leisurely walk to the store chatting about the future and holding hands. We bought a couple of pregnancy tests and talked about what it would be like to add another little bundle of joy to our family.

The next morning, the day that I turned 29, I got up early, while my family still slept. I had planned to sleep longer, but with new life budding in my womb, bathroom trips has already become more frequent. After depositing my contribution to the test, I set it on the counter. Anxiously, I reminded myself that there was a good chance that it would be negative and I could still be pregnant, being that it was quite early to test. Originally the plan was to leave the cassette on the counter for the three minutes that it can take to give an answer, but as soon as that purple shadow started to move across the window I snatched it up and watched it develop.

Within a few seconds the test line became positive. Part of me didn’t believe that it was real, so I sat there watching closely as the line got darker and darker. It still wasn’t as dark as the control line but the message that it gave was pretty clear. I was PREGNANT.

By this time, DaddyBee and BusyBee were stirring in the bedroom. I came to DaddyBee with the test and his glasses.
Nervously I asked, “I know it’s not all that dark, but am I reading this right?”
DaddyBee fumbled with his glasses for a second, while BusyBee peek-a-booed with me. “Oh, no, that’s definitely positive.”

A few minutes later my mom showed up to run some errands with me. All I could think of all day was tiny squishy pink little babies… and the costs that come with them. DaddyBee and I are digging our way out of debt right now, and will be doing pretty well by this time next year. Having a baby and having to move would have set us so far back. A baby born to a loving family is always such a gift though, so I was also very excited. Knowledge of another life growing in me always makes me giddy; it’s just so magical.

I forgot to take a picture of the test. By the time I thought of photographing it, the test had dried and therefore faded quite a bit. I couldn’t get a good picture. Since we had another test on hand and hormone levels double every 48ish hours in early pregnancy, I decided to wait two days and “take another test” knowing it would be positive, so that I could get a nice dark like for the photograph.

Yesterday I saw the last of my out of town family off, and turned in toward my own little family, looking to plan our future. A future, complete with every member of our family.
Last night I restricted my water, so that my pee wouldn’t be too diluted. I stayed in bed for nine hours to give my body a long time to get a good concentration of the hormone in my pee.
Finally, I rolled out of bed, when I couldn’t wait another minute. Everything was set up for me in the bathroom. I took the test and set it on the counter to develop. I wasn’t that anxious for the results, so I just set it aside without much though.
Seeing the test when I picked it up, though, made my stomach sink. I hate that hollow sinking feeling. A huge, heavy, emptiness settled in my belly. Grasping at straws I tried to imagine any logical explanation. In desperation, I shined a flashlight through the test, trying to see if there was a light shadow of a line that wasn’t visible under regular light. Nothing. There was absolutely nothing there.

I ran a hot bath. I washed myself, as if washing away all of the dreams that I had, ever so briefly, for the next year. I focused on the plans we made before the positive test. I thought I was okay. I told DaddyBee and told him I was okay.

Moments later, I got in a huge fight with him. “Stop,” he told me, “you are lashing out because you are upset about the negative test.”
“No, I’m not! I’m actually relieved!” I shouted back. Part of me is, you know, relieved. We really can’t afford a baby now. Part of me is heart broken though, I just hadn’t realized it yet, or at least I hadn’t admitted it to myself.
I have since dived into a tub of cheese puffs, that my mother left here, and consumed a ton of them. I told the few people that knew I was pregnant that, once again, I’m not pregnant anymore. I’m drinking too much coffee with too much cream. I’m thinking of doing lots of rather dramatic things, life changing things. I’m back to this place where I don’t want to recognize myself in the mirror.

Now, only just now, hours and hours later am I starting to cry and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.

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