Origins

Daily Prompt: Origin Story
Why did you start your blog? Is that still why you blog, or has your site gone in a different direction than you’d planned?

I started blogging here for a few reasons.

• Writing is sensuous. I’ve always had a love affair with words. As I write, I roll the words lusciously across my mind the some roll a velvety red wine over the pallet. Meaningful writing is as deeply necessary to my soul as deeply passionate sex.
• I have been through much struggle and have gained a good many golden bits of wisdom and pithy little stories that warm the heart. Many of them beg to be shared with a larger audience.
• Writing offers me the ability to share my experiences with great transparency without over sharing the private lives of my loved ones. When I share, I share it all, the sensual, the ugly, the glorious, the embarrassing, the harrowing. This can be rather unappreciated by DaddyBee (and a few others) when shared with those who know us personally.
• My life is about to under go a radical transformation. Over the next year my family plans to take a journey to better health, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially, even (maybe especially?) sexually. There will be much to learn and much to share.

I guess, already it could be said that this is going in a slightly different direction than I originally intentioned (just yesterday!) because I have decided to follow the prompts to help me to get back into the swing of writing. In it’s core, though, I fully expect that this blog to follow the core intention, which is to follow my transcendental journey. It will also help me immeasurably to have the accountability of a daily post, so that I keep taking one more step forward.

“All great masters are chiefly distinguished by the power of adding a second, a third, and perhaps a fourth step in a continuous line. Many a man had taken the first step. With every additional step you enhance immensely the value of your first.”

–Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beginning Again

I live with Bi-Polar and severe anxiety. I am a mother. I am morbidly obese. I am in a committed relationship. I am a homemaker. I am poor. Today, I nearly took my life… again.
I stopped short of an attempt. My momentum was stopped suddenly when my shaking hands ended up dulling my knife instead of sharpening it. I stood there for a moment, frustrated with the knife and with my shaking hands before the shock of what I had almost done set in.
These last couple of years have been very difficult. I haven’t slept through a night in over two years. Even when I didn’t have a child waking me, I didn’t sleep soundly. Our home has been in a state of flux. My partner, who we will call DaddyBee, has struggled with severe depression to the point of functioning only to make it to work. My child, who we will call BusyBee, is the light of my world but can be incredibly challenging as well.
I want to continue my life with Daddy Bee and Busy Bee, really I do, but some days the stress of the circumstances I face seem insurmountable. Part of this is because I gave up control of the things I can change about my circumstances. I let myself feel helpless. Feeling helpless, I relied on others to take care of the things that are mandatory for my stability and health. It may not be news to you, and it shouldn’t have been to me, but other people do not always understand how serious our needs are. Sometimes, even when they do realize, they lack the ability or desire to follow through and support your needs. Relying on others to do for you often leads to a spiral of feeling trapped and helpless.
Today I am putting a full stop on my spiral. I am going to get better. I will have to sacrifice. My family will have to sacrifice for a while, too, but I will still be here with them when it is over.
I’m making a choice, right now. I will have to keep making that choice every day, every moment. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will make one small change at a time, just one step at a time. I will change my life.

“Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly.” -Francis Bacon

Today I begin to alter my existence by design.